Eleanor Roosevelt

Whenever I feel like shit, I think of wise Eleanor Roosevelt. She's attributed to an oft-quoted saying: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I find it appropriate that a woman most often mocked for her 'ugliness' or supposed homosexuality rather than praised for her accomplishments is the same who is on record basically saying, "Yeah, fuck 'em." I truly love this quotation. I try, very often, to make it my mantra. Instead, I find myself resenting her.

No shit, Eleanor. I know I give someone a power over me when s/he succeeds in hurting me. I was bullied as a kid, I get it. I just wish it were that simple. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to commit to it. (Irony @ me not committing.) I can say it. I can comprehend its meaning. Somehow/somewhere, though, there's a block. I think I'm unwilling to work on myself, by myself. Eleanor calls for an independence.

She does not say, "No one can make you feel inferior while you have friends" or "because Mommy loves you." WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Legally (outside of special circumstances), you are the sole possessor of your consent. You and you alone can give that consent up.

I feel as if I spend most of my time parroting the same fucking stories to each of my friends. In some ways, I genuinely want advice. I hope someone can solve my life or heal me. Basically, I want someone to do my work for me. I'm lazy. But, really, I just want someone to tell me I'm okay. I'm incapable of making an opinion on an event of my life and sticking to it.

"He's an asshole." Well...maybe he's hurting? Maybe I said something wrong? I might be misinterpreting something...

For all of the growth and change that I've supposedly accomplished (I don't know, ask my therapist), I'm still the insecure little boy who wants to see the good in everyone. I just can't fucking beat the romantic out of me. Logically, I am the greatest realist. I can look at other people's lives (or fiction—hence the English major) and easily analyze the way things are. But as soon as I so very slightly care, I'm incapable of knowing how to function. Well, no. That's a lie. I *always* know what to do. I just can't seem to do it.

So now I'm trying. I'm making an effort. I will not be inferior. Consent revoked.